In gratitude

When I was about 3 1/2 I fell off the jungle gym at my nursery school and split my chin open. There were no wood chips on the playground in the early 70's, just asphalt. The gash required a few stitches and to this day I still have the scar.

I don't remember the incident really. What I do remember is being at the hospital with my mother while I got the stitches. The memory is not clear but I can somewhat recall seeing a large needle and thread. Mostly what I remember is my mom starting to swoon and the nurse bringing her smelling salts. I think I remember this part because it really surprised me to see my mom falter, for just a moment, in the face of a crisis. I always thought of her as perfect.

Now that I'm a mom, it seems amazing to me that this was one of the only times that I can recall seeing my mother drop her guard. She always seemed so certain in her parenting. Of course, now that I am an adult I can see that this really wasn't the case and we talk about what her fears and anxieties were (and still are). But back then, I was convinced that this woman could fix anything.

I remember my mother always being available to us when we were little. She was one of those mothers who embraced the idea that family always comes first. She and my dad raised us to believe that there was nothing we couldn't do if we worked hard at it. We were all expected to behave, do well in school and go to college. I'm sure my mother had to work hard to keep the five of us in line but it never really seemed that way. She is one of those people who is unfailingly loving and accepting of people. She will recognize a person's faults and accept them all the same. She is a true giver who is always taking care of others, often at her own expense. And, she will never admit when she is hurt or upset. She rarely shows a negative emotion.

I used to think these were all admirable qualities but now that I am an adult, I see these great gifts of my mother's as characteristics that also hold her back. I truly appreciate that my mother has this need to care for everyone and to make sure that she is never the cause of their hurt or sadness. But, I also know that these are qualities I don't want to have -- or to pass on to my own daughters. I don't want them to feel like they have to sacrifice themselves completely so that others can be happy. I have tried to do this, because it's how I was raised, but when I attempt to ignore my needs, I end up feeling angry and resentful. I know that I have to take time to do things that are important to me and this self-care will help me to be a better mother. Although, I will admit that I am still working on not feeling guilty when I take time out for myself.

We are all heir to such a jumble of traits from our parents -- no matter how much we try to fight it. I'm convinced that the best we can do is to recognize what we've been given and try to make it work in our own lives. I love my mother for everything she has given me, for the lessons I've learned from her, and for what I choose not to inherit.