Overcoming Inertia

I took some time out this week to go away overnight with a couple of my girlfriends. These are women that I have known for most of my life -- my oldest and dearest friends. We had been thinking about going away for a while and it just worked out that we could all meet for a couple of days during the week between Christmas and New Year's. We all had the same thought that if we had a good time, we'd try to make it an annual adventure. The funny thing is that we all were hesitant to announce this until it was clear that we were going to have a good time -- and we did. I can't remember when I've laughed so much.

So, what does this have to do with inertia?
This adventure with my friends was an example of letting go and being in the present moment. Particularly when you have small children, it can be difficult to feel that you fully live in the world. At least for me, a lot of time is spent worrying -- worrying that they will get hurt, that I am not doing the right thing, that they are being somehow ruined by something that I am doing as a crap parent.

Recently it occurred to me that I have not really been present much in my own life. I've been hovering on the edges, going through the motions and spending time in my head thinking about what could go wrong without really feeling fully integrated in things. I had forgotten how to listen to music. I was afraid of stupid things - like driving into Boston or letting my kids walk on the sidewalk without having to hold my hand. These are little things. I don't want to be afraid of life and I certainly don't want to raise girls who are afraid to live.

Anxiety and fear hold us back. They cause suffering that could be avoided if we could just let go of them. This is what I'd like to try for the new year. I want to be brave and embrace life more fully. I want to live.

But, it's never that simple, is it? We go along in life, following these well-worn grooves that we are accustomed to -- despite the fact that they might feel bad or uncomfortable. We do the same things over and over again because it's what we know. There's a great poem by Portia Nelson, called "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" that talks about finding a new way. I think I'm on Chapter Three. My goal is to get to Chapter Five sometime in the future.

But, until I am able to find that other street, I am going to focus on living more, moving more, singing more and trying to let joy happen without focusing on doubts and fears.

The Christmas spirit is flagging...

"Can we try to be thrifty for Christmas this year?" I asked my spouse as he thumbed through the Red Envelope catalog. The truth is I don't know if I can work up the energy to do much in the way of shopping. I'd much rather spend a whole day baking Christmas cookies with the kids than go to the god-awful mall to look for yet another piece of plastic crap that has no meaning.

I usually love Christmas, especially now that I have kids. But, for some reason, this year I am having trouble getting into the spirit of the holidays. Personally, I don't need or want anything. In fact, I'd prefer to get rid of things this year. I've been thinking a lot about how to live life more simply. I would like to subscribe to my friend BJ's philosophy of the gift of nothing but I have a feeling that most of the other people in my life won't understand why I'd want to do this.

I'm not a total scrooge. Santa will visit my house. My daughters have already made their lists. Rita says she wants, "some toys." and Nina tells me, "I placed an order with Santa for a My Little Pony movie." I had no idea that was possible. But, still, I'm going to try to do a little less this year. They are so young and will get so many gifts from all of our extended family, they won't notice if Santa doesn't bring a ton of presents. I hope they will only remember the joy.

A few years ago, when I only had one child, I found the energy to make a bunch of my dad's favorite meals, which I then froze in individual serving containers and presented to him in a big cooler with a bow on it. That was one of the best gifts I've ever given. How can I compete with that this year, when I am exhausted from finishing up all of my course work for the semester on top of everything else?

Maybe I'll get some of that energy and spirit back -- and maybe I won't. Maybe it's time for a change of holiday traditions. If it were entirely up to me, I'd focus more on spending time with the people I love instead of purchasing stuff that they probably don't need or want. Maybe I'll broach this subject with my family on Christmas this year. There's a chance they might feel the same way, right? There's a chance that we can all consider embracing the gift of nothing.