Work! I'm doing work right now. What is the matter with me? It's my writing night but because I won't be in the office for the next two days, I'm tidying up a bunch of email. This is not what writing night is all about. I am supposed to be sitting here, thinking about witty things that I can write short essays about. And, truth be told, I have a backlog of unfinished posts that I am having trouble finishing. I'm not sure why this is.
My semester as a grad student is finished and most of my big events at work are wrapped up until the fall, but I seem to be spinning my wheels here. I was hoping to spend time this summer writing for fun and maybe trying to publish something (while trying not to get my hopes up on this - plus, I that means I would actually have to finish something and submit it). I have set aside one night a week as writing night where I get together with a friend who is on deadline to finish her dissertation. I also get up early to write three pages of whatever comes to me in the morning.
For the past two weeks, I have been unable to complete anything concrete. I scribble in my notebook or I surf the web. Maybe I am still coming down from a very intense time and I just need to give myself a break. But at some point, I think I just have to write and finish something - and here I was about to go on to say, "or give up on this dream" but then I literally stopped myself and deleted those words before they were finished. I mean, who cares if I don't finish a thing? If I don't create a single, coherent written piece? I just like the act of writing, of choosing words and phrases that go together and linger in my head for a while, that I can see on the screen or on the page.
The act of writing helps me to process things differently than I do when I am just in my head without pen and paper or keyboard. I often end up in a very different place than I imagined I would when I started. It's like somewhere in my brain there's a path I have to follow and it feels comfortable and familiar but I don't know where it leads until I get there - and then when I do get there, I realize that there is still a lot more path ahead. I guess this is my roundabout manifesto on why I need to keep pursuing this act of writing, without judging how or where it's going.
2 comments:
you're too hard on yourself! you just finished a crazy insane year. the summer is supposed to be a time to relax before fall classes start up again. write for fun and don't worry about where it ends up. plus if you give up on your weekly writing date, you won't have an excuse to sit in a coffee shop for a few hours listening in on others conversations :)
--the deadline laden dissertation writing partner
I totally hear you. And here I sit, surfing the web and reading your writing. So good that your getting stuff out.
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